Reflecting about Birth, Aging, Sickness & Death

The first 4 months of year 2015 went past quickly... 

This is Life... it will go past quickly as well...

I am sure that on my deathbed, 

I would say that life went past just like a flash...

I am still learning how to deal with Birth, Aging, Sickness & Death.

Actually, I am fearful of death... 

To be exact, I am afraid that on my deathbed, 

I would regret not living a full life.

I kept reminding myself that I will get old soon and my prime years will be over soon.

I really don't want to waste my life idling and moving aimlessly in the stream of life.

So far, this year, I have attended 6 wakes - 2 aunts wake, 1 HIV patient, 1 friend's dad, Mr Lee Kuan Yew, and last week was my grandma's wake. 

I have 2 friends fighting for their lives - suffering from acute leukemia, and a friend's wife is suffering from thyroid cancer, and another distant friend just recovered from nose cancer. They are all in their 30s like me, in the prime of their lives. 

So far, I have been lucky, but I will never know if my luck will run out.

Some thoughts:

- You can overcome your fears slowly. 

When I was young, I was quite fearful of funeral, coffins and dead people. Recently, after attending so many wakes, I am getting more comfortable. I performed a funeral prayer service together with my group of volunteers for the HIV patient. Last monday, I was alone with the body of my grandmother in the hospital for almost one hour (while waiting to transfer her body from the ward to the mortuary). I was chanting for her and playing Buddhist Chanting music. Hopefully, she has a smooth passage to her afterlife, if there is one.

- Physical Possession is really over-rated

Grandma has been a very thrifty and hardworking person. We discovered many new clothes in her wardrobe that she never wore. She kept a lot of new things, but never used them. On the contrary, I told myself that if I do not use an item for 1-2 years, I should consider discarding/donating it away. Spending on experience will add more values to my life, it can broaden my horizon, change my perspectives, increase my understanding and knowledge of the world. So I will continue to de-clutter.

- Usefulness of Dharma (Buddha's Teaching)

I am not 100% Buddhist, as I am still not sure if there is afterlife, if there is reincarnation, if the law of Karma really works. I guess I could never be a 100% Buddhist, but Dharma is far better than ALL other religious teachings I have came across. The Dharma is very useful for me to understand the nature of life, which is Impermanence in nature. This philosophy has helped me to accept changes in life. And also attachment is one of the main sufferings of life, and the antidote to many sufferings is to learn to let go of many things including our ego. This also helped me to understand myself better.

May you be free from sufferings.

May you find happiness in life.

_/\_

The Lottery of Life

Recently, I met my Uncle from China for the first time. He is a retired school principal in China, and had never stepped out of China until a few weeks. I never had the opportunity to meet him, even though I have traveled to China many times, I did not visit my ancestral hometown. 

Surprisingly, I felt quite comfortable with him (may be because he looked like my father) and I had a good chat with him. At a certain point, he was lamenting that he was a useless principal, because as a civil servant in the communist China, he did not earn a lot of money. He said that he might never have the opportunity to come to Singapore again.

Admittedly, I felt sad and kept thinking about his words. Despite my short interaction with my Uncle, he is actually very observant, quite smart and knowledgeable (well, he was a school principal). He was just a bit unlucky in life - Born in China when China was in a mess, the famine, the cultural revolution etc..., his youth was wasted. 

On the other hand, I am just lucky to be born in Singapore in the right time. I am given better opportunities in life. I am able to travel the world. I can choose to live in other countries. I am quite mobile.

I am slight luckier in the "lottery of life" 

(Singapore was placed number 6 in the world).

I am aware and grateful about it.

 I am also aware that it is my responsibility to help those who are not as lucky.

(Taken in Eastern Tibet, 2005)

RIP Uncle (Ah-Q)

On 20^th Jan 13, I was transiting in Doha Airport for my flight from Rome to Singapore. I saw my cousin posted a note on FB about the death of my uncle. I was shocked and found out that my uncle died of old age related complications. He was in his early 80s.

A few months ago, he had TB and we were advised not to visit him as it was contagious. He recovered from it, and I thought that everything was fine. Nobody told me that his health was extremely weak and he was hospitalized for some time.

Sadness overwhelmed me and I started to cry in the airport. I knew he lived a very good life, but I was sad because I did not have the opportunity to thank him for all his kindness and generosity over the years.

Back in Singapore, my aunt told me to prepare a eulogy, and I was in tears again when I started writing and thinking about my uncle.

Since I was very young, my mother told my siblings and me that Ah-Q was very good to my family. She reminded us that we need to be grateful. Ah-Q knew that my family’s financial situation wasn’t very good (when I was young), so during Chinese New Year, he would always give my siblings and me additional red packet (with quite a decent sum of money). He also told my mother to look for him if we needed any financial help.

He was a very thrifty person, but towards his family, he was a very generous. He embodied the good Chinese values where family and kinship is the most important thing in life. In the early years, there were as much as 17 extended family members (including my mother) staying at his little shophouse. As the big brother, he took care of the bill and fed everybody.  He was selfless and really cared about the younger siblings and cousins.

He was the pillar in the extended family. Everybody has received kindness and help from him. At the wake, there was an out-pour of grief and sadness. Everyone was reflecting how great a person he was.

I was thinking: How many of us could be like him? Not many, especially in this modern individualistic society, where personal gain is more important than anything else.

 I was also reflecting what would the best way to remember him.

 Using him as a role model and remember the values that he embodied. There is no way I could repay his kindness and generosity now, but paying it forward. 

At the end of the day, it's the kindness and love that matters.

A reminder for myself. 

Thank you Ah-Q for your kindness.

I will always be grateful.

May you rest in peace. _/\_

Kinship

This week, I learned quite a bit about the importance of kinship. 

Encounter 1:

This week during my volunteering activity in a hospital, an AIDs patient (in his 50s) told me that his sister would be fetching him back home the next day. He was beaming with joy and I could not forget the smile on his face. In fact, most of the patients are longing for their family visits and support (and may be acceptance).

Encounter 2:

A friend who was studying in Australia for the past few years decided to return to Singapore. A few years ago, she was quite happy with her new life in Australia - new environment, more nature, more space, more laid-back, less stressful, less crowded etc... But recently, she grew sick and tired of the place, as she did not have a support of a local community and family. She was quite lonely. At least, back in Singapore, she could always count on her family and friends.

Encounter 3:

Visited a friend whose infant daughter was recently discharged from the hospital. His daughter did not breathe for 20 mins after birth, and as a result, she suffered from severe brain damage (she was warded in intensive care unit for days). She could not do instinctive things like sucking or swallowing. My friend (an ex-convict) had a difficult relationship with his father, but during this period, his father and extended family had shown tremendous support - emotionally, financially, physically. He was very touched by it. 

I was also very touched when I saw how my friend fed his daughter through a tube (which was inserted from her nose to her stomach). His infant daughter needs to be fed every 3 hours, and each feeding takes 1hr-1.5hr. Parents' love is indeed selfless and unconditional.

Well, it is really in times of trouble and difficulties, we know who are the people who really love us and stand with us and not deserting us. It is in time of trouble we see great human spirits and love. 

I am very fortunate to be born in a family and a culture that value strong family ties. The main contribution by Confucius is really emphasizing the importance of Filial Piety and kinship in a Chinese society.

I read this on BBC:

‎"It is no accident that the Chinese write the family name first followed by the given name. It reflects the overriding importance of the family in Chinese history."

  

On Saturday morning, my niece came to me and said 

"舅舅 (Uncle), I love you." 

I gave her a hug and that made my day!

It is priceless.

:)

What is the significance of a Birthday?

I never had a birthday party.

I never wanted to have a party for me.

But I always have birthday celebration with family or friends. 

For many years, I really do not see much significance of a birthday.

Last thursday morning, I found my reason to celebrate birthday.

I walked towards my mum, putting my hands on her shoulders and said this to her while I hold back my tears:

"Mama, thank you for giving birth to me.

Thank you for raising me up."

My mum just smiled and did not say anything.

When I was on my way to work, I received a message from her “生日快乐” - Happy Birthday.

This is her way of expressing her love.

=)

Birthday should be a day of gratitude.

Think about the kindness I have received throughout my life.

Without their kindness, I won't be around.

Be grateful towards my parents, my siblings, my relatives, my friends, my teachers etc....

I am nothing without them.

Thank You.

A simple porridge prepared by my mum when I was sick.

I am grateful for it.

=)

Always be grateful towards our parents

"Mother is a boundless source of love, and inexhaustible treasure. But unfortunately, we sometimes forget. A mother is the most beautiful gift life offers us. Those of you who still have your mother near, please don’t wait for her death to say, “My god, I have lived beside my mother all these years without ever looking closely at her. Just brief glances, a few words exchanged — asking for a little pocket money or one thing or another.” You cuddle up to her to get warm, you sulk, you get angry with her. You only complicate her life, causing her to worry, undermining her health, making here go to sleep late and get up early. Many mothers die young because of their children. Throughout her life we expect her to cook, wash and clean up after us, while we think only about our grades and our careers. Our mothers no longer have time to look deeply at us, and we are too busy to look closely at her. Only when she is no longer there do we realize that we have never been conscious of having a mother." --- Extracted from A Rose for Your Pocket by Thich Nhat Hanh 

"If you were to carry your parents around with you for their whole lives - your father on one shoulder and your mother on the other - even to the point where they were losing their faculties and their excrement was running down your back, this would not repay your debt of gratitude to them. But you could repay the debt if your parents were not virtuous and you established them in virtue; if they were not wise and you established them in wisdom; if they were stingy and you established them in generosity; if they had no faith in the spiritual path and you led them to it." --- Lord Buddha

In other words, the best way to honor your parents is to be a person of good moral values and assist each other along the path.

My Mother's Hand.

Her pair of hands had went through so much hardship to bring us up.

I shall forever be grateful.

Happy Mother's Day.

Qingming Festival & My Extended Family

I appreciate Qingming Festival as I grew older. It is part of our Chinese Tradition that should be preserved and passed on to the future generations. It is a good time for family members to get together and show our gratitude to our deceased relatives and ancestors. It is also a reminder of the importance of family ties as well as filial piety.

This is my first time visiting Indonesia during Qingming Festival to pay my respects to my deceased maternal grandparents as well as my deceased relatives.

My maternal grandmother

Last October, I wrote about my maternal grandmother. She was a wonderful and strong person. My eldest aunt was moved to tears when she told us (younger generation) how great a person my maternal grandmother was. In fact, my maternal grandmother was raised in a good family in China and she was literate (which was a rarity for women of her time). Unfortunately, she had to work very hard to raise 4 young children single-handedly, and she passed away before she could enjoy the fruit of her labour.

My maternal grandfather

This is my first time visiting the grave of my maternal grandfather, who passed away almost 50 years ago. I had never met him and was curious about him. For many years, the only thing I knew about him was he died young because he was alcoholic. During this trip, I learnt that he was literate and had a good handwriting, and he was a smart person who had the skill of repairing watches.

When I looked at maternal grandfather, I felt an instant connection with him. Among my extended family, I am the ONLY person who inherits a unique physical characteristic of my maternal grandfather – a protruding lower jaw (which I prefer not to have). It is a funny feeling to be at the grave of someone whom I have never met, and yet, I know that he is part of me. 

My nieces and nephews (children of my cousins) were having fun running around the graveyard and asking innocent questions. They are reminders of the renewal process of life. Soon, my generation would be replaced by them.  And soon, they would be replaced as well.

This is the law of the Impermanence of Life.

I am thankful and grateful to spend quality time with my extended family, and staying at my aunt’s place, where I felt familiar and safe. Even though we did not have time to meet often, we had so much to share and talk that we talked deep into the night.

Family has always been an important pillar of my life, and it will always be. 

Always remember to show gratitude to my family.

Thankful to be born in a family of good people.

=)

Remembering my maternal grandma...

It has been a year since my first Buddhist retreat. 

Recently, I recalled a lesson that  Thich Nhat Nanh  taught us.

Firstly, Thich asked us to imagine what are the things that we are proud of that are inherited from our parents.

I inherited my height and mathematical mind from my dad.

I inherited (learnt) patience and kindness from my mum.

I am grateful towards my parents.

Then, he told us to think deeper about the qualities that we inherited from our grandparents.

I have never met my maternal grandfather.

I started to think about my maternal grandmother who passed away when I was 8 years old.

I started to cry when I thought of the hardship that my maternal grandmother had to go through. She single-handedly raised 4 young children in a foreign land (She came from China), as my grandfather (an alcoholic) died when my mother was young. She never remarry and learned from scratch to run her own small business. She was very thrifty (in fact, stingy towards herself), and would rather spend money on her children. She made many sacrifices to raise her 4 kids, but she passed away before she could enjoy life.

I cried as I felt that Life was unfair.

Despite making so much sacrifices and enduring so much hardship, 

she did not enjoy the fruit of her labor.

She was a very strong and determined lady. 

Then, Thich said that all our forefathers are with us now.

Look inside of ourselves.

They are inside our DNA and Genes.

I took comfort that she is living inside of me as long as my blood is flowing.

I am bringing her with me when I was traveling the world.

I just hope that I could be as strong and as resilient as her.

By living a good life, I am honoring her.

We should be grateful towards all our forefathers.

Whenever we think that we are great, 

think of the qualities that we inherited from them.

Let's be Grateful.

A Conversation with Grandma

My Grandma (93 years old) was hospitalized recently, and I was delighted when she was felt comfortable after I massaged her legs and foot. My parents were pleasantly surprised that I would massage her legs, as that was the first time they saw me massaging legs. (Thanks to my volunteering experience with the HIV/AIDS patients, if I could massage a sick stranger’s leg, I could massage on anybody. No ego issues.)

I never had a long conversion with my Grandma, as I could hardly communicate in Hokkien, the only Chinese dialect that she speaks. She was born in China on 1918, 7 years after the collapse of the Qing Dynasty, which marks the end of the 2000+ years of Imperial Rule of various Dynasties. She grew up in the tumultuous period of Modern China – Civil War, Japanese Invasion (World War II), the rise of Communism in China.

Chairman Mao

(Taken at Beijing University of Posts & Telecommunication)

She came from a good family, as she was educated and literate. It was uncommon for a girl to be educated during the feudal period of China. During the Japanese Invasion, my grandma (in her twenties) ran away from the City to do farming in rural – She sighed that it was a lot of hardship. Then I asked her about the rise of Communism, and I sense her anger towards Communism and Mao Zedong. She said that everybody was suffering – eating roots and tree barks.  She said that even if you have money, there is no food available. She said that she would be Extremely Happy to have a bowl of rice (which is a rarity).  A lot of people were starving and life was extremely difficult. It’s about survival. Shortly after that, she left China and came to Singapore.

I really could not comprehend the challenges, fears and hardship that her generation of people experienced. Life was really fragile and difficult. We are the lucky generation that was savoring the fruit of the sacrifice made by the previous generations. We pale in comparison, and our problems (job security, relationship problems, money woes, dissatisfaction with life) are trivial in comparison.

After the conversation with Grandma, I ate my dinner that evening with gratitude.

HAND

This hand fed me when I was an infant crying out loud in hunger ...

This hand pulled me up when I fall down while I was learning to walk...

This hand guided me when I was lost...

This hand cared for me when I was sick...

This hand hitted me when I was naughty...

.

.

.

This is my mum's hand.

I am enjoying its warmness while I can.

I am eternally grateful to this HAND